What happened?

In my first day of obs/gyn rotation the following happened:

-          me entering the morning meeting room 5 five minutes before it is due.

-          F***  up consultant, who has the reputation of chewing people (not only students) a live: HEY, GO TO THE FRONT SEAT ( though no visual aid will be used!)

-          Me smiling anxiously as I realize I am the chosen one and drag myself to the "hot seat"

-          10 minutes into the meeting, they were talking about a non reassuring CTG, and that they had to rush the patient to the OT.  F**** up consultant get up from the back of the room, took the CTG trace paper, hold it less than 15 cm( I kid you not) from my face and shout: READ IT.

-          I freaked out, I had reads tens of them before- as I did my elective in oby/gyne-, but for some reason I feel uncertain and scared. I start analyzing but the panic exaggerate and I start shaking and told the f*** up consultant: You are scarring me and I don’t know how to read it. Panic took over and I start silently sobbing and had to excuse myself out.

I was surprised by my reaction, my colleagues were traumatized and concerned what just happened!

Anyway, living alone and not taking a good care of oneself would certainly lead to that. AND, definitely listening to horror stories about a particular person will make thing worse.

Now I have to work extra hard to prove myself, especially since I am considering oby/gyne as a future specialty.

As of the f*** up consultant, he/she is mean to everyone including the patients. I have yet to see a more manipulative doctor who make fun of their patients in their face.

I think I had a couple of panic attacks symptoms after that incident, but thankfully didn't miss a  clinic/round because of it (except that morning meeting)

I was impressed by the amount of the support I received. I know what I did was not professional, but S*** happens.

P.S:

To reassure myself if that F**** up consultant tried to bully me  I came up with 2 plans:

1.       Go hug him/her very tight

2.       Video record the incident, and hope the attack will be aborted.

But I might as well start shaking and sobbing again, who knows!

 

I  am truly surprised by my reaction, never knew there were a chicken hen in me J  

P.S2:

I'll appreciate any feedback/analysis of the incident!

 

 

 

Maturing

It is 1 am. Morning meeting is 7 hours from now.
Today happened to be the last day of 5 weeks long college break.(they were lovely, thanks for asking J). I felt unsettled.
Moving back to campus did cause such feeling of despair in the past. Will I make it? What if missing the feeling of being unique and irreplaceable at home took over me and render me helpless. But tonight, although some tears were shed, that feeling was not overwhelming. I grew up. I finally did. ( finger crossed I don’t wake up to find myself 13 again).
I think I know me!  I started to feel  blue 2 weeks ago. It worsened whenever someone mentioned  school. I knew the doubts of continuing on the medical rocky road are back. So I talked to myself like a wiseman. ( I once failed myself in purpose in a hope that will liberate me._yup it is that bad_ Worse thing I did ever. And yes, it was NOT liberating at all. I repeat it was not. I can be crazy sometimes. no regret though( or plenty of it, depend from which angle I'm looking at it hehe).
 
Half year to go. Let's keep praying ( and meditating and eating those medical books).
Pray for me.
My love to you all